It was the smile that got me thinking
There was no bitterness
No resentment
No tension between us
She kindly spoke
With a voice gentle
And undemanding
“Have a nice day”
To which I returned
“Thanks, you too”
As I took my receipt
And walked out of the FedEx office exactly eleven point six pounds lighter than when I’d gone in
“Have a nice day”
It wasn’t a commandment to be obeyed
Issued from the top of a holy pyramid
It was just a formality between stage actors doing their jobs behind the scenes
It was just a suggestion
But do not underestimate the power of suggestion
Especially a suggestion powered by V-12 diesel engines with a cavernous payload capacity and a driver jacked up on coffee and pills and ready to deliver that eleven point six pound crate full of artwork once all the paperwork is completed and it is confirmed that the package contains no alcohol, batteries, or firearms…
This kind stranger
This master of her domain
This agent of America’s shipping lanes
She didn’t know me at all
Which is why she did not show any outward sign of repulsion
To my unwashed hair
And if she saw my messed up teeth
She likely would have thought mostly
Of my own discomfort when eating particularly chewy or crunchy foods
Her mind would not have recalled those odd college times
When I didn’t even own a toothbrush
When I should have been in therapy
But instead pretended to be an art major
And fooled everyone
Into thinking I wasn’t
Just another violated child
A child that nobody could protect in the back of a van on a family vacation
A child that not even God would watch over
A child that nobody would ever truly know
Terrified and alone in the world
Just trying to fit in
And hating myself for not pulling it off
And only finding relief
By blending in with those beautifully disturbed misfits
Over in the art department
That’s where I learned
That artistic license
Grants certain privileges to the unkempt
And that’s also where I learned
That artistic license
Often works best as a mask
How could she have known all of this from behind the FedEx shipping counter?
How could she have ever truly seen me?
We both wore our masks that day
Each playing our parts
And to be honest it was lovely
But I’ve been learning to take this mask off more often lately
Like I just did with you
And no offense
But now that you know me
And have all the ammo you need
To cut me down as soon my back is turned
I will be expecting you
To fire at will
Because I’ve only found one who doesn’t shoot to kill
When they get close enough to see the white’s of my eyes
And it wasn’t my friends who’ve been with me for most of my life
And it isn’t the one I love and almost lost, no, not even my wife
It was none of them
It was the one within
The one who says
Here I am
So just between us here in this room
I’m giving you permission
To load your weapons
And fire at will
My story reminds you of your own but I didn’t suffer enough in your eyes to earn the right to tell it so now you consider me a two-bit thief who ran off with a stolen piece of the treasure that is your greatest pain that you kept so carefully locked up and reserved only for special occasions and this is not it?
Here I am
Fire at will
The world is burning down and people are scared and dying and you want me to tear down the patriarchy with you and sure that sounds great to me too but can we maybe get some coffee and talk it over first because deep down I know that the only thing I’ll be able to tear down is this mask and that’s not enough for you?
Here I am
Fire at will
I tell you who I am and open my heart to you and you won’t even close your eyes for one God forsaken second to look past my greasy hair and messed up teeth to see the light that shines out from between the cracks and these crooked gaps?
Here I AM
Fire at will
I’m expecting you to pull the trigger
Just like everyone I’ve ever loved
Which is why
I often want to crawl back
Behind this mask
Because this mask doesn’t bleed
Like I do
But I won’t hide
Not from you
Not today
Not because I’m not afraid
But because I want to love you
And sometimes when I close my eyes
To the barrel of your loaded guns
This is what love sounds like
“Ready.
Aim.
Fire.”
