Minding
I was just minding my own business
Just standing out there on the docks
Lost in a long list of long lost thoughts
Thinking of various clocks
Counting the sums
And cursing some
And wondering when my ship would come… in
Was it a crime to just stand there
Was it some kind of a… sin?
Staring into that particular darkness
Of calm waters at dusk
When something flashed
Out from a splash in silver bullet rush
And it hit me… like… a fish
Because… it was… a fish
A cold wet fish
That had leapt out of the water
And slapped against my chest
Before falling limp to the deck
A cold dead fish
But what was this?
Up from those subconscious depths
Something
Something took the form of that fish
And broke the surface
And revealed itself to me
Hurled itself at me
Somewhat violently
Possibly suicidally
And I just stood there
Stinging and hurt
With a murky wet fish print
Slapped across my shirt
But what was this all about?
Was it my suppressed fears?
Was I yet unready to face some truth?
Was it a poem like this one
Leaving listeners like you unmoved?
Was it a work of art
Struggling to be seen anew
For all the academics
With their interpretations but not even a clue?
Was it the holy scripture
Twisted into theological knots of twine
To keep the water from turning into wine
Or heaven forbid into some fisherman’s beer?
Was it the word of God
Falling on my own deaf ears?
Was it just a quiet voice saying
“I am here?”
That’s when this truth hit me like the fish
Life is life
And death is death
And the deep must return to the deep
So after I took a quick look around
I slooshed the fish off the dock with my feet
But it didn’t sink
Damn this defiant fish
It just floats there under these gently rocking docks
Mocking my moment of life and death consideration
Mocking me by dying its own death
And involving me in the whole operation
What did that slippery fish even know anyway?
Did it know how long I have waited for this day
How long I have lived without living
How long I have been without being
How long I have avoided this body
And all of it’s stored up pain
When I am the one who belongs in it
Because my body itself is also my name
And then…
And then this mindless fish just comes along
And mocks my careful lifelong avoidance
By making its rude acquaintance
With a direct and fatal slap
With its refusal to sink
I don’t know why I suddenly feel so bad
But I feel so bad I can no longer think
Once again staring into the drink
But no longer looking for some distant answer
No longer calculating the soaring costs
Instead I’m looking inward
Looking for what has been lost
And once again there’s a flash
And again there’s a fish
Aimed straight for my heart
Don’t these fish ever miss?
What in the hell?
And what is with all of this with the fish?
But there is no slap this time around
No wet fish at my feet to be found
No sting
No death
This fish found an ocean
Inside my open chest
The deep has returned to the deep within
The expanse between the waters grows thin
And now I know what I didn’t know then
I am here
And I think I will go for a swim
